Disappointing

It's only a matter of time before I start losing everyone that is close and dear to me.
And it's gonna be all my fault.

Because of my attitude. Because of my selfishness. Because of my stubbornness. Because of how I act and react. Because of who I am.

Everyone will get tired and frustrated with me, if not now, someday. They will stop trying. They will give up on me.
They will eventually get fed up with me.
It is only a matter of TIME.

I know what I am saying is true, because I can feel it, feel it so thoroughly and deeply into the cores of my bones that it send shivers down my spine each time I sit down and think about it.

It did not happen overnight. It has been going on for years. I know, because I made myself to be like this.

Should I change? I know I should.
You didn't think I've tried? I've tried, so hard.
And where am I today? Still in the same position that I was years back.
Then maybe you've not tried your best? You think I did not try my best?
I did. Okay? I fucking did. But there's just something inside me that keeps holding me back.

I want to let go. I want to move on. I know what I did years ago was unimaginable, to transform myself into this person, this .. this monstrosity that I've created for myself and what I call myself as.

This monstrosity that I've created will make me lose everyone and everything at the end of the day. What monstrosity is this that I'm talking about, you ask.

My answer :
I don't know. All that I know is that it is bad, it is horrible, it is disgusting, its inhumane.
I just want it to end.